Mascots are a physical manifestation of the teams we root for. I guess that’s the best way to describe what a mascot is, right? Literally, it’s either an animal stalking the sideline or a person in a furry costume. Some SEC schools have live mascots, some have only costumed folks. Some are really weird.
Let’s rank the costumed mascots, with a ranking of live mascots next week.
1. Mississippi State Bulldogs – They have two! The female is named Belle, but I really appreciate the dead-eyed, slack-jawed gaze of Bully, who seems stunned by something he’s just seen, probably in the Egg Bowl. We’re going to rank them first just based on volume.
2. Florida Gators – Well, if we’re giving points for volume, Florida is up there as well, since they have a couple, Albert and Alberta Gator, as their mascots. Plus, Albert was in one of my favorite SportsCenter commercials of all-time.
3. Missouri Tigers – I like how Truman is named for a former U.S. president, and how they seemed to have leaned more toward a Pink Panther vibe than trying to make him seem realistic.
4. Ole Miss Rebels – The Rebels mascot is an anthropomorphic shark named Tony the Landshark, who looks like a Fortnite character. I’m not sure what’s going on here but I admire the confusion it creates.
5. Tennessee Volunteers – Tennessee also has a dude dressed like Davy Crockett and a live dog, so Smokey really feels more complimentary than anything. I like that he wears a suit, as though he’s going to work.
6. Kentucky Wildcats – Kentucky’s wildcat is just called “The Wildcat,” and looks oddly cuddly for a wildcat. It almost reminds me of a character from “Fantastic Mr. Fox.”
7. Vanderbilt Commodores – Mr. Commodore? Shouldn’t he be named Commodore Commodore?
8. Georgia Bulldogs – As a UGA guy, I’m partial to Hairy Dawg, but he mostly just nods and preens. I mean, I get not wanting to upstage Uga.
9. Auburn Tigers – Same as UGA: Aubie is fine, but that friggin’ live eagle swooping in before games will strike fear in the heart of any opponent.
10. LSU Tigers – The costumed version of Mike the Tiger is cool, but he isn’t nearly as terrifying as the real tiger that lives on campus.
11. Arkansas Razorbacks – Big Red has a unibrow and intimidating teeth, but from the neck down it kind of loses some steam. A live Razorback on the sidelines would be amazing, but also perhaps potentially deadly.
12. South Carolina Gamecocks – Cocky. Heh heh. Its Hamburglar shape and floppy hair don’t exactly strike fear.
13. Alabama Crimson Tide – The flaccid trunk of Big Al is mildly disconcerting, and feels like it undercuts how menacing Alabama’s teams have been in the Saban era.
14. Texas A&M Aggies – They have a live dog but no costumed mascot. Guess they’re spending all that costume money on Jimbo’s buyout.