What’s in a name? Perhaps we should ask former Auburn running back Chandler Shakespeare, who shared a surname with the Bard, himself.
Because when you really think about, there’s a lot in a name. I should know. My parents named me Lang, after one of their friends who had the last name “Langley.” I like having the name Lang–it’s different and unique and memorable. It also means that for almost my entire life, every time I am introduced to someone, I have to say my name clearly–twice, usually–and then spell it out for good measure. It’s a hassle, yes, but it’s worth it.
Which is why I will never forget someone like Bacari Rambo, the former University of Georgia safety. He was a good football player and big hitter, but more than anything he had an all-time awesome name.
So in the spirit of players from Barkevious Mingo to Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, I combed through all of the SEC rosters and assembled the first-annual Grind City Media All-Sec Name Teams, replete with Honorable Mentions and everything.
OFFENSE
QB: Deuce Wallace, Vanderbilt — Perhaps the most apt name in college football. Not only does Deuce wear the number 2, but he’s second on the depth chart at quarterback for the Commodores.
RB: Kavosiey Smoke, Kentucky
RB: Snoop Conner, Ole Miss
WR: Tae Tae Crumes, Kentucky
WR: Drake Beck, Ole Miss — What’s his middle name, Madonna? Prince?
TE: Stephen King, LSU — This guy really has It. It’s almost spooky how good he can be.
OL: Beaux Limmer, Arkansas
OL: Wanya Morris, Tennessee — Boyz II Men, ABC, BBD.
OL: Prince Wanogho, Auburn
OL: Rowdy Garza, Alabama
OL: Stone Forsythe, Florida — This man sounds like a soap opera star. “And as the doctor, STONE FORSYTHE!”
HONORABLE MENTIONS: Stetson Bennett IV, UGA (QB), James Brown, Tennessee (TE), K’Rojhn Calbert, Tennessee (OL), Tauskie Dove, Missouri (WR), Jordan Loving, LSU (QB), Racey McMath, LSU (WR), Nick Muse, South Carolina (TE), Keon Zipperer, Florida (TE)
DEFENSE
DL: Big Kat Bryant, Auburn — This is his actual listed name on the Auburn website.
DL: Raekwon Davis DT Alabama — I am very much here for athletes named after members of the Wu Tang Clan. Hopefully before long we get a Cappadonna Jones or Inspectah Smith.
DL: Reid Bacon, Arkansas — He really had to go to Arkansas, didn’t he?
LB: Bumper Pool, Arkansas — I spent a lot of time researching this, because I could believe Mr. Pool’s parents would actually give him the name “Bumper.” But guess what? They did! Because his father was such a huge fan of playing bumper pool, which is incredibly literal, but whatever. I guess we should just consider Bumper lucky that his dad wasn’t a big ping pong player. (I also wonder if this means that in like two decades we’ll see players with names like Fortnight or 2K?)
LB: Kash Daniel, Kentucky
LB: Boogie Watson, Kentucky
LB: Henry To’oto’o, Tennessee
CB: Denature Price, Ole Miss
CB: Slate Bolden, Alabama
S: Max Worship, Vanderbilt — Sounds like a Christian rock group that has been nominated for several Dove awards.
S: Nigel Warrior, Tennessee
HONORABLE MENTIONS: McTelvin Agim, Arkansas (DL), Bobby Brown, Texas A&M (DL), Lacedrick Brunson, Florida (LB), Scooby Carter, Alabama (DB), Aadreekis Conner, Mississippi State (DB), Vernon Dasher, Ole Miss (DB), Michael Divinity, Jr., LSU (LB), Phidarian Mathis, Alabama (DL), Smoke Monday, Auburn (DB), Nathan Parodi, Arkansas (DB), Austrian Robinson, Ole Miss (DL), Jacob Trump, Missouri (LB), Jamyest Williams, South Carolina (DB)
SPECIAL TEAMS
P: Bill Rubright, UGA
K: Ryley Guay, Vanderbilt
LS: Riley Lovingood, Tennessee
HONORABLE MENTION: Rodrigo Blankenship, UGA (K)