Lang’s World: GCM SEC Mascot Power Rankings

Mascots are a physical manifestation of the teams we root for. I guess that’s the best way to describe what a mascot is, right? Literally, it’s either an animal stalking the sideline or a person in a furry costume. Some SEC schools have live mascots, some have only costumed folks. Some are really weird.

Let’s rank the costumed mascots, with a ranking of live mascots next week.

TAMPA, FL – JANUARY 02: the Mississippi State Bulldogs mascots pose for a photo during the ReliaQuest Bowl between the Illinois Fighting Illini and the Mississippi State Bulldogs on Monday, January 2, 2023 at Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Fla. (Photo by Peter Joneleit/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)

1. Mississippi State Bulldogs – They have two! The female is named Belle, but I really appreciate the dead-eyed, slack-jawed gaze of Bully, who seems stunned by something he’s just seen, probably in the Egg Bowl. We’re going to rank them first just based on volume.

2. Florida Gators – Well, if we’re giving points for volume, Florida is up there as well, since they have a couple, Albert and Alberta Gator, as their mascots. Plus, Albert was in one of my favorite SportsCenter commercials of all-time.

3. Missouri Tigers – I like how Truman is named for a former U.S. president, and how they seemed to have leaned more toward a Pink Panther vibe than trying to make him seem realistic.

4. Ole Miss Rebels – The Rebels mascot is an anthropomorphic shark named Tony the Landshark, who looks like a Fortnite character. I’m not sure what’s going on here but I admire the confusion it creates.

KNOXVILLE, TN – NOVEMBER 04: Tennessee Volunteers mascot The Volunteer runs the Power T flag across the end zone during the college football game between the Tennessee Volunteers and the Connecticut Huskies on November 4, 2023, at Neyland Stadium, in Knoxville, TN. (Photo by Bryan Lynn/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)

5. Tennessee Volunteers – Tennessee also has a dude dressed like Davy Crockett and a live dog, so Smokey really feels more complimentary than anything. I like that he wears a suit, as though he’s going to work.

6. Kentucky Wildcats – Kentucky’s wildcat is just called “The Wildcat,” and looks oddly cuddly for a wildcat. It almost reminds me of a character from “Fantastic Mr. Fox.”

7. Vanderbilt Commodores – Mr. Commodore? Shouldn’t he be named Commodore Commodore?

8. Georgia Bulldogs – As a UGA guy, I’m partial to Hairy Dawg, but he mostly just nods and preens. I mean, I get not wanting to upstage Uga.

9. Auburn Tigers – Same as UGA: Aubie is fine, but that friggin’ live eagle swooping in before games will strike fear in the heart of any opponent.

ORLANDO, FL – SEPTEMBER 03: the LSU Tigers mascot poses for a photo near the end zone during the Camping World Kickoff game between the LSU Tigers and the Florida State Seminoles, on Sunday, September 3, 2023 at Camping World Stadium in Orlando, Fla. (Photo by Peter Joneleit/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images)

10. LSU Tigers – The costumed version of Mike the Tiger is cool, but he isn’t nearly as terrifying as the real tiger that lives on campus.

11. Arkansas Razorbacks – Big Red has a unibrow and intimidating teeth, but from the neck down it kind of loses some steam. A live Razorback on the sidelines would be amazing, but also perhaps potentially deadly.

12. South Carolina Gamecocks – Cocky. Heh heh. Its Hamburglar shape and floppy hair don’t exactly strike fear.

13. Alabama Crimson Tide – The flaccid trunk of Big Al is mildly disconcerting, and feels like it undercuts how menacing Alabama’s teams have been in the Saban era.

14. Texas A&M Aggies – They have a live dog but no costumed mascot. Guess they’re spending all that costume money on Jimbo’s buyout.