MEMPHIS – This past weekend, the University of Kentucky followed up their big upset of Florida with a game against Murray State. That would be the Murray State Racers, a small school in western Kentucky.
Murray State lost the game 48-10, but that was really beside the point. Because moreover, Murray State lost a perception battle when this tweet went viral:
Yep, that’s a Wildcat in the front, a Kentucky Wildcat, a feline so ferocious that, according to Wikipedia, it will “pursue prey atop trees, even jumping from one branch to another.”
And in the back, there is the Murray State mascot, which is apparently two people in a costume that looks like I made it.
Now as it turns out, after I did about 2 seconds of investigative work on the internet, I found out that this is not actually the Murray State mascot – they have a mascot that actually looks like a mascot.
But social media has spoken, and for an entire generation of people, including myself, I will also associate two folks in a horsey costume as being the Murray State mascot. Heck, if anything, Murray State should lean into this and make two people in a horsey costume an official mascot. They lost to Kentucky by 40, they aren’t getting on SportsCenter anytime soon for anything else.
The lesson here is that we don’t choose our mascots; they choose us. Which is how I, a grown man, am now rooting for a baseball team with a mascot named Blooper.
Our teams select their nicknames and mascots, we’re just here for the ride. And hopefully it’s a ride we don’t mind taking.
At the risk of generalizing, I feel like we can break college mascots down into a couple of simple categories. Let’s sift through and find out what they tell us about ourselves.
1. Fierce Animals
Lions, tigers and bears, oh my! This is probably the broadest and most popular category of mascot, and to be honest it probably makes the most sense. If you are going to have your program embodied by an animal, why shouldn’t you choose an animal that ostensibly could defeat a human in a man vs. beast situation?
For example, LSU has a real friggin’ tiger in a cage, which is terrifying. Florida is represented by a male and female alligator duo, and we all know that alligators regularly eat Floridians alive. Colorado has a live buffalo on the sideline; I once saw a buffalo try to headbutt a car at Yosemite National Park, which was awesome.
Auburn claims not only a tiger but also an eagle, and not just any eagle but a war eagle, whatever that is. I dislike Auburn, but I have to allow that putting the word “war” in front of any animal makes that animal sound at least three times more badass. The Memphis Tigers sound relatively menacing, but you can’t tell me the Memphis War Tigers isn’t even scarier. Preceding eagle with “war” almost makes up for Gus Malzahn’s short-sleeve mock turtlenecks. Almost.
WHAT THIS MEANS ABOUT YOU:
You are here to be on top. If your school has an animal of prey as their mascot, you are there to destroy your opponent and win big.
2. Not-Fierce Animals
There are many colleges that decided to select an animal for their mascot, then immediately chose to not pick an animal that would actually do any damage if tested. My Georgia Bulldogs, for instance, have a live mascot named Uga who looks mildly mean, but mostly just sits on a bag of ice in an air conditioned dog house during games. Georgia Tech’s mascot is an insect. Alabama chose an elephant, which is big but lumbering.
Texas has a live steer on the field, which I’m pretty sure is just a cow with comically large horns taped to his head. Maryland uses a jacked terrapin named Testudo.
According to Google, a terrapin is “a small edible turtle with lozenge-shaped markings on its shell, found in coastal marshes of the eastern US.” Oooh, please don’t attack me Mr. Edible Turtle!
WHAT THIS MEANS ABOUT YOU:
You are here to compete, but when push comes to shove you might be beaten. Unless you are an Alabama fan, because y’all are crazy.
3. Weird Animals
Now we’re just messing around. These are colleges that chose animals, but basically just decided to pick an animal that is comically unknown. The University of California at Santa Cruz, for instance, held a school-wide vote in the 1980s to make the “Banana Slug” the school’s official mascot. Which is, you know, humorous, but doesn’t exactly strike fear in anyone’s heart. (At least not anyone armed with a salt shaker.) Cal-Irvine went with an anteater, while Texas Christian University is represented by a Horned Frog named Super Frog.
WHAT THIS MEANS ABOUT YOU:
You may just be here mainly for the participation trophies.
4. Nature
If you can’t be an animal, I guess something else in nature is an interesting way to go? As a result, many schools choose other naturally occurring phenomena as a mascot.
(Worth noting: We are delving into a gray area here, where a school’s mascot doesn’t necessarily match their nickname. This will happen frequently for here on. Just stick with us. We’re talking about fuzzy suits.)
At Stanford, for instance, their nickname is The Cardinal, but their mascot is a tree. Which would seem to discourage much interaction with fans. The Miami Hurricanes are represented by an Ibis, and the Tulsa Golden Hurricane have a superhero-ish dude with the power to summon weather. St. John’s recently pivoted to a Red Storm, whatever that is. And Delta State University’s mascot is the Fighting Okra. If anything, the okra should be a Slimy Okra, because what any good chef knows is the toughest part of conquering okra is the slime.
WHAT THIS MEANS ABOUT YOU:
You love the outdoors in all its various shapes and forms. You swear your team will get it together one of these days, when the sun gets into the right moon, or however that astrology stuff works.
5. Jobs/Hobbies
Now we get to the part of the list where we move into the human world, with a bunch of mascots and nicknames that are basically just based on stuff people do. Here in Tennessee, people Volunteer, while in West Virginia they Mountaineer.
In Western Kentucky they top hills, and in Lafayette, Louisiana, the Cajuns rage. These nicknames are not, however, always represented literally by the team’s respective mascots. The Vols, for instance, have a hound dog named Smokey patrol their sideline, while the Ragin’ Cajuns have a red thing (a pepper?) named Cayenne.
I prefer the more clear-cut jobs in this category, such as the Navy Midshipmen, the Vanderbilt Commodores, and even the East Carolina Pirates.
WHAT THIS MEANS ABOUT YOU:
You value hard work and realism. Maybe not so much winning titles.
6. Occult Figures
Hey covered most of the natural world, I suppose it only makes sense that some schools have turned to the supernatural. Wake Forest, for instance, has claimed a Demon Deacons as their mascot. Not so far away at Duke, they’ve selected the Blue Devils, while in Arizona they’ve chosen a Sun Devil.
WHAT THIS MEANS ABOUT YOU:
You’ve used the Ouija board at least once in your life, and maybe not ironically.
7. Straight-Up Weird Stuff
Hey Michigan State, I like that you’ve chosen the Spartan as your mascot, but what the heck is a Sparty?
Wichita State’s mascot is something called WuShock, which I believe delivered the third verse on “C.R.E.A.M.” At St. Louis, the mascot is the Billiken, which is something that doesn’t even exist. According to one website, a Billiken is a mythical good-luck figure who represents “things as they ought to be.” What does that even mean? Yeah, I don’t know either. But to me, perhaps the most troubling mascot of them all is the Syracuse Orangemen, a strange cross-breeding between an orange and a human. No thanks!
WHAT THIS MEANS ABOUT YOU:
You are not bound by the laws of nature nor reality.
8. Nuts
THE Ohio State has chosen to align with a buckeye. I’m sorry, THE buckeye.
WHAT THIS MEANS ABOUT YOU:
You find Mr. Peanut too edgy.
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